Last night...

I woke up in the middle of the night and questioned if last night was real and whether or not it actually happened. When I woke up it felt like it was just a dream, but I know it wasn’t, I know it happened, but still it feels like a dream.

Memories are made and will never fade.

     I haven't posted on this blog in awhile, mostly because everything that has happened to me went along with my other blog. Lately I've been feeling like a backup friend, not to everyone but to a lot of people. Even when I hangout with them as a first choice and there are other people there I still feel left out. Over the summer I started hanging out with some new friends and it was great, we hung out all summer and as much as possible during the school year, but now and the past couple months we've been drifting apart, and it kind of sucks because she talks to me about how she feels like "that" friend to her bestfriend, but then I get to be "that" friend to her...Although it feels like we're drifting apart we still hangout, mostly in groups though, groups that wouldn't even exist if I wasn't involved in the friendship. Don't you hate when you are friends with two people who don't really talk but then you all start hanging out, but pretty soon they start hanging out without you and making plans without you, and acting like they're the best friends in the world, and you don't even matter...It sucks...big time. Back to that friend though, I don't really remember the last time just me and her hung out, we were supposed to over break...but I got ditched. I've been trying not to let this bother me though because she's not the only friend I have. I've also been feeling left out with other friends too, even my bestfriend. We rarely hangout anymore, but that's mostly because of her boyfriend, and I know that's the way high school relationships go, but I miss her, a lot. But hopefully soon she'll realize she needs her friends too, and if not, well, then it won't last forever, and I know we'll always be friends. I also have two bestfriends who go to a different school, luckily when they moved they became inseparable, so we can all hangout together, we try to hangout as much as possible and I know with them I never have to feel left out because there's not enough time to feel left out with them because we're always laughing and having the best time when we're together because not seeing each other everyday, we cherish the moments we have together, and these past couple days with them has shown me how important they are to me, these days have been some of the best I've had in a long time, and they made me forget about all the dumb stuff that's been going on and I didn't feel as sad, and it felt nice to be included in things and make memories I'll never forget. It felt nice to be with them again. So, I guess what I'm getting at in this post is that, some friends may only come around for a little while, and if they stick around for a little longer they might be kind of back up friends, or think of you that way, but you'll always have certain friends that will be there for you for whatever and through whatever and they will be there forever, and I'm glad to know I have some of these friends and know I can count on them.

I sit and think about him a lot. I stare at him when I see him. I look at how happy he is with her and think why couldn't that be me? That should be me? That was supposed to be me!

Is it ironic that last night after I posted about dreaming about him I went to bed and, yes, had an amazing dream, which of course included him. This one was probably one of the cutest ones yet, and now once agian, I had to face the reality that it's not going to come true. I know that there's not going to be a mistletoe hanging there and I know you're not going to pull me to it and tell me that you feel the same way I do, but I can dream, but that's all it was, a dream. A dream that once again won't come true. You won't take me by the hand and run down the halls with me and escape the world together, you'll just continue to pretend like I don't exist, even when I know you know I do, and I'll continue to pretend like nothing is even wrong when I see you, and I'll just continue to have these amazing dreams about you. Dreams that'll never come true.

I really wish I could stop having amazing dreams that include you, becuase when I wake up I have to face the sad reality that they were only dreams...I wake up and realize it was only a dream, that didn't really happen and most likely, never will. As much as I try to move on and forget about you, something about you always comes up. Every once in a while when I actually go a day without really thinking about you, I dream about you and I fall right back for you. I wish things would have worked out differently than they did, but they didn't and I guess for as much as I wish I could, I can't change the way things are. This is why I wish I could stop dreaming about you, not because I don't care anymore, but because I do. I want to stop dreaming about you, so maybe you could pop into my mind less, and maybe, just maybe, I could stop thinking about you for just a little while, and then maybe I wouldn't feel the way I do. I just wish everything didn't have to change. One day things were ok, and the next they weren't. In my dreams everything is still ok, actually, everything is perfect, and that's why I want them to stop, they keep giving me false hope of wonderful things that aren't real and probably never will be.

I wish I could stop.

 

I wish I could stop thinking about you.  I wish I could stop crying over you.  I wish I could stop caring about you.  I wish I could stop dreaming about you.  I wish I could just stop liking you... I shouldn't even feel this way, but I do.  I thought it would have gotten easier by now, and I guess it slowly is, but I wish it would get better faster.  The past two months I've just felt so sad somedays, I feel so alone like no one's there to help me.  I wish you were there, but then agian, if you were, I don't think I'd be having these feelings.  Sometimes I just wish you would hold me in your arms and tell me everything is ok, but you won't, we don't even talk anymore.  I'm hoping, more like praying, things will get easier soon, but until then I'll continue to hide how I feel, while you go around being happy and not knowing anything, so therefore not caring at all about me.

Closing doors...

Everyone always says when one door closes, a new one opens, but what if a new door opened before I was ready to close the last? Sometimes I think a new door opens so we can close the old one. I didn't think I was even ready to close the old door, I wasn't even thinking about it, but a new door is unlocked and this time it's my choice if I want to open it, and I think I need to. I need to take a chance and close the old door behind me. Just becuase I close the door doesn't mean I will never see it open agian. But right now it just needs to be closed for a while. And this new door may be the greatest door I opened or it may end up to be a mistake, but I will never know unless I open it first. I need to take this risk.