Last night...

I woke up in the middle of the night and questioned if last night was real and whether or not it actually happened. When I woke up it felt like it was just a dream, but I know it wasn’t, I know it happened, but still it feels like a dream.

Memories are made and will never fade.

     I haven't posted on this blog in awhile, mostly because everything that has happened to me went along with my other blog. Lately I've been feeling like a backup friend, not to everyone but to a lot of people. Even when I hangout with them as a first choice and there are other people there I still feel left out. Over the summer I started hanging out with some new friends and it was great, we hung out all summer and as much as possible during the school year, but now and the past couple months we've been drifting apart, and it kind of sucks because she talks to me about how she feels like "that" friend to her bestfriend, but then I get to be "that" friend to her...Although it feels like we're drifting apart we still hangout, mostly in groups though, groups that wouldn't even exist if I wasn't involved in the friendship. Don't you hate when you are friends with two people who don't really talk but then you all start hanging out, but pretty soon they start hanging out without you and making plans without you, and acting like they're the best friends in the world, and you don't even matter...It sucks...big time. Back to that friend though, I don't really remember the last time just me and her hung out, we were supposed to over break...but I got ditched. I've been trying not to let this bother me though because she's not the only friend I have. I've also been feeling left out with other friends too, even my bestfriend. We rarely hangout anymore, but that's mostly because of her boyfriend, and I know that's the way high school relationships go, but I miss her, a lot. But hopefully soon she'll realize she needs her friends too, and if not, well, then it won't last forever, and I know we'll always be friends. I also have two bestfriends who go to a different school, luckily when they moved they became inseparable, so we can all hangout together, we try to hangout as much as possible and I know with them I never have to feel left out because there's not enough time to feel left out with them because we're always laughing and having the best time when we're together because not seeing each other everyday, we cherish the moments we have together, and these past couple days with them has shown me how important they are to me, these days have been some of the best I've had in a long time, and they made me forget about all the dumb stuff that's been going on and I didn't feel as sad, and it felt nice to be included in things and make memories I'll never forget. It felt nice to be with them again. So, I guess what I'm getting at in this post is that, some friends may only come around for a little while, and if they stick around for a little longer they might be kind of back up friends, or think of you that way, but you'll always have certain friends that will be there for you for whatever and through whatever and they will be there forever, and I'm glad to know I have some of these friends and know I can count on them.

I sit and think about him a lot. I stare at him when I see him. I look at how happy he is with her and think why couldn't that be me? That should be me? That was supposed to be me!

Is it ironic that last night after I posted about dreaming about him I went to bed and, yes, had an amazing dream, which of course included him. This one was probably one of the cutest ones yet, and now once agian, I had to face the reality that it's not going to come true. I know that there's not going to be a mistletoe hanging there and I know you're not going to pull me to it and tell me that you feel the same way I do, but I can dream, but that's all it was, a dream. A dream that once again won't come true. You won't take me by the hand and run down the halls with me and escape the world together, you'll just continue to pretend like I don't exist, even when I know you know I do, and I'll continue to pretend like nothing is even wrong when I see you, and I'll just continue to have these amazing dreams about you. Dreams that'll never come true.

I really wish I could stop having amazing dreams that include you, becuase when I wake up I have to face the sad reality that they were only dreams...I wake up and realize it was only a dream, that didn't really happen and most likely, never will. As much as I try to move on and forget about you, something about you always comes up. Every once in a while when I actually go a day without really thinking about you, I dream about you and I fall right back for you. I wish things would have worked out differently than they did, but they didn't and I guess for as much as I wish I could, I can't change the way things are. This is why I wish I could stop dreaming about you, not because I don't care anymore, but because I do. I want to stop dreaming about you, so maybe you could pop into my mind less, and maybe, just maybe, I could stop thinking about you for just a little while, and then maybe I wouldn't feel the way I do. I just wish everything didn't have to change. One day things were ok, and the next they weren't. In my dreams everything is still ok, actually, everything is perfect, and that's why I want them to stop, they keep giving me false hope of wonderful things that aren't real and probably never will be.

I wish I could stop.

 

I wish I could stop thinking about you.  I wish I could stop crying over you.  I wish I could stop caring about you.  I wish I could stop dreaming about you.  I wish I could just stop liking you... I shouldn't even feel this way, but I do.  I thought it would have gotten easier by now, and I guess it slowly is, but I wish it would get better faster.  The past two months I've just felt so sad somedays, I feel so alone like no one's there to help me.  I wish you were there, but then agian, if you were, I don't think I'd be having these feelings.  Sometimes I just wish you would hold me in your arms and tell me everything is ok, but you won't, we don't even talk anymore.  I'm hoping, more like praying, things will get easier soon, but until then I'll continue to hide how I feel, while you go around being happy and not knowing anything, so therefore not caring at all about me.

Closing doors...

Everyone always says when one door closes, a new one opens, but what if a new door opened before I was ready to close the last? Sometimes I think a new door opens so we can close the old one. I didn't think I was even ready to close the old door, I wasn't even thinking about it, but a new door is unlocked and this time it's my choice if I want to open it, and I think I need to. I need to take a chance and close the old door behind me. Just becuase I close the door doesn't mean I will never see it open agian. But right now it just needs to be closed for a while. And this new door may be the greatest door I opened or it may end up to be a mistake, but I will never know unless I open it first. I need to take this risk.

Summer Love

I want a summer love. Someone to just hangout with all day, someone to laugh with. I wanna summer love so we can walk around downtown together eating ice cream. I wanna summer love so we can go on picnics together. I want to be able to have someone to just be myself with this summer. I just want a boyfriend for the summer, but not just for the summer, yes I want a summer love but lets make it last longer than summer, or let's not, just take it day by day. "Live life in the moment, because everything else is uncertain."

Taking Risks

This summer I'm taking risks. I'm done worrying about everything, and what will happen in the furture. This summer I'm living life in the moment, because the future is uncertain. I'm going to go up to some guy this summer and do the dumb call me maybe thing, worst thing that'll happen is he doesn't call me, I'm going to hangout with my friends, and not worry what people think of me. This summer I don't care if people think I'm one of the trouble maker kids walking down the street, think what you want, they don't know me! This summer I'm doing things that I normally wouldn't do. Some of the things I may do, might seem like nothing compared to what some kids do, but that doesn't mean they're not crazy to me. Now not in the stupid YOLO way, but seriously here's to life only happening once, i only have one life, so here's to living it the way I want becuase if I do, living once is enough. Here's to being a different me this summer, one who doesn't care and just lives in the moment and dances around downtown, like no one's watching, or singing like no one can hear me, here's to embarasing myself. Here's to a summer of me taking risks with my bestfriends, and knowing they're worth it, it may turn out bad later, but in the moment they'll be worth it. And i'm not talking about doing drugs , drinking , or getting pregnant, I'm saying like small little things that even if they don't turn out right, they won't have a huge impact on my life, but that's what taking risks is about. So here's to a summer of fun, a summer of laughs , a summer of friends, even a summer of tears. So here's to a summer of taking risks.

I watched them as they walked across the stage, sat there as people I knew walked by, now ready to take on the world, even my bestfriend's brother. I sat there, talking to my friend saying next year that's gonna be you, and almost crying thinking about it. Next year i'll be playing that song for her, as I watch her walk acrosss that stage, most likely crying. Will I see her after that? I sat there watching everyone walk by, smiles, tears and all, thinking about what it's gonna be like when I'm walking across that stage. Taking on the world. I have no idea what i wanna do with my life, and the truth is I'm scared. I'm scared to be out on my own, and I know that my bestfriend and I share the same feelings about living alone so we're already planning on living together, but it's still the fact of not living at home anymore, without my parents. I always wanted to grow up, but this past school year went by so fast, I'm scared. I want to be carefree, I want to be worryfree, I want life without drama, I just want to be young again.

I think it's jealousy...

What are you supposed to do when your bestfriend finds a boyfriend? One she wants to always be with? One that always wants to be with her. Not that it's a bad thing, and i'm super happy for her, but I get a little jealous. When I see how cute they are together, I think, why can't I find that too. I want that too. I wanna be held in someone's arms, walk around downtown with, hand in hand. Someone who its nice just to spend time with. I wanna be kissed out of the blue, and most of all I just want someone who I can be myself around, someone who likes me for me. And I want a real relationship, one where we don't we don't always have to be with each other to know it still means something. I want a guy that can be friends with my friends and will hangout with us, but also knows when i need my girl time, and he's ok with that. I want to find this guy, but i'm starting to think he doesn't exist. Someday hopefully, soon I hope, I'll find someone like this.

Please don't forget me.

 Just becuase you have a boyfriend now doesn't mean you can blow me off. I know you're supposed to spend time with him but please don't forget about me. Don't act like we're not that close becuase you and I both know we're pretty much inseperable. Even today our other friend said, "well i guess we won't be hanging out with her this summer." and it's not that, that bugs me , it's the fact that, me and you, we're bestfriends and we do everything together and laugh at the stupidest things, and just a few months ago, we were calling him names and talking crap about this guy becuse he hurt you, but now he's changed.  But I will be there if things go bad, I will be your shoulder to cry on, I'll be the one that is there to help you through it, I'll be here, I just hope you're gonna have time for me still. But even if you don't whenever you need me I'm here, I just hope I can say the same for me.

What happens when you start to fall for your bestfriend? I've been here before, but that was before we were this close. This could possibly work, but if it does I don't want to ruin our freindship, or would it be the best of both worlds ?

I still don't even know what happened between us, but we're friends, and now you wanna hangout, but i'm ok with that. I'm ok becuase i've decided to live my life and whatever happens, happens. I'm going to be happy with my friends. I have the two most amazing friends ever, but the sad part is that, they're not who they should be, but it's ok, because I know they're here for me and i can tell them anything, and that's all I need right now. So here's to dancing like no ones watching, singing like no ones listening and being myself and living life!

What's going on ?

So I thought I was over you, but lately i'm not sure.  On tuesday, you got seated right across from me, now today we got put in a group together and you kept talking to me, after not talking to me for over a month, except every once in a while and only when someone else is around.  I wish you wouldn't talk to me because if I start falling for you agian I know how it's gonna end, no one is there to catch me, you're taken. So what does all this mean ? Is it a sign ? I guess I kind of believe of signs. When you asked me who i was going to the dance with today and i said friends, why do you care ? You are going to this dance with your girlfriend, are you going to leave her too? Who knows. I just wish I knew what all this meant. Does it even mean anything ? What's going on ?

I'll still be there, the question is will you ?

So when I was reading through my old posts I see how I say I am your friend and will always be there for you.  Well that's true for me but what happened to you? After we went to that dance the only thing you have said to me in 4 weeks is "Hey do you have a pencil?" and maybe you have said hi once or twice but it's not like it was before. We aren't even friends anymore, and that is what breaks my heart. Not how much of  a jerk you were at the dance or even after, but it's the fact that you don't even talk to me anymore, it's the fact that we're not friends anymore. I don't know why you won't talk to me, even if you are right next to me talking to my bestfriend you ignore me. In another old post i read it said I probably wouldn't  be getting ovre you anytime soon, well guess what that time came sooner that I thought it would, and I am so glad, becuase now that I am I have more time to focus on me and my friends who mean more to me than the world. And now I'm not entirely deleting you from my life cause let's admit it, i wish we were still friends, but also we have some good memories that I don't want to lose. So if you decide you ever wanna tell me what I did wrong and you want to talk to me again, I'll still be there, the question is will you?

Things don't always turn out how you think they will, and sometimes that's ok.  Last night wasn't, yet was one of those situations.  I went to the dance as friends with you so i guess you thought that meant we didn't even have to really talk.  When i looked around the room for you, you were dancing with someone else, sometimes you came over in my group and danced with us, but you never even looked at me when a slow song came on. And i guess that's partly my fault becuase we never said anything about it but even though we were there as friends you could have danced one dance with me. I had fun without you, and I am glad you went and had fun too. But then when you didn't go out with the group after like you said you would because you didn't feel good, i was upset, especially when someone said you were upset about a girl. So now i wish i could be over you, but i can't be, but now i'm starting too because the good thing that came out of this is i think i might be falling for someone else, someone who stayed by me all night, who talked to me, who was there with me when you weren't. The worst part is you could probably care less, and when i said goodbye you just said goodbye, no i had fun, thanks for bringing me, nothing. I don't think you have completely broken my heart, but you have definately cracked it. And even though you won't say I'm sorry, i will, im sorry your not the person i thought you were. I'm sorry.

Sometimes taking risks is worth it. I am almost her.

Knowing you causes me so much pain sometimes.  Sometimes I wish I didn't know you, or even if I did, that we didn't talk. I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't know you....If I didn't like you ? Would it be easier? I want to know ? But I can't stop talking to you, because I think a part of me would die inside. Maybe I will eventually gie up on you, but I don't think that's going to be anytime soon. So until then, could you do me a favor and not be so nice ? Not be so cute ? Not talk to me all the time, even though we're really good friends ? Can you not be so perfect ? So until then can you just not make me love you ? Please ? For me ?

Happy Thanksgiving, I am grateful for my wonderful family and my amazing friends, I don't know what I would do without you !